Changing one's habits

At least for the better. Most people don't try to change good habits to get worse ones. So as most people know I have been working hard to slim down and be more fit. But the last few weeks have been hard, mostly because of the Easter candy. I love egg shaped chocolates! So to try and keep my candy habit under control I carry around pretzel M&M's so if I must I have a treat at least it is a better treat for me than a Reese's Egg. I had forgotten about them until I cleaned my purse tonight, but this week has been my most candy free week in a while and then it made me remember. The first time I quit cigarettes. Yes I know everyone is different and overcome challenges differently. The way I quit was I would crave cigarettes when I had zero left and so I always kept one on me, just one. If I knew it was there and available to smoke the urge was less. Since I wasn't so desperate. On that note, changes I have made. I am so glad I have overcome so much and have found out different tricks to keep me happy and content. So my advice is if you are addicted keep it in your purse or pocket then it can help it go away. I mean maybe a needle of heroin is something that should be best kept away and not in a pocket. But it is up to you. :)

Childhood

So as I was cooking my healthy chicken for a few meals today I started thinking of funny memories of the baby sister and I. I often reflect on the hard times as a child, but when it was just me and the sister we had quite a bit of fun.

Once I was babysitting her and I love chicken so of course I could cook us dinner mind you I was between 10-12 years old. I had seen my parents do this a thousand times. I got the chicken out of the freezer and plopped it in the frying pan. Forgetting one important step. DEFROST! We were watching Hocus Pocus and I handed it to my sister. I was quite proud of the dinner I created, but to find out still frozen chicken in the middle. I can't remember what we ended up eating, but at least I have a funny memory.

As children our mom had a best friend who was an artist by trade. So I believe that by hanging out with her daughters it made our imagination a bit more vivid. She may say this too, but we had a red suitcase and it turned out to be a portal to the time of dinosaurs. We climbed through and the air was sticky and dense. We walked out of a cave and you could see pterodactyls flying around. I don't remember how we got back, but we had fun. This memory is so vivid, so maybe it was our imagination or maybe it happened.

Today I am feeling positive and I just need to remember that yes, my childhood was not the best in regards to adults, but as a child I had a pretty good time with my sister.

Feelings....

So today and yesterday have both been very emotional. I felt empty and discouraged. My faith in God was wavering. I have always known God as being loving and understanding but certain events that have happened lately have made me question. I feel like I work hard to keep my faith alive and present in everyday, but today I wanted to give up. Give in to the addictions and remove myself from a world I have worked so hard to become a part of. I questioned if it really was worth the pain and sorrow. I came up with a ton of what ifs. I understand that trials make us stronger but why when we are strong do bad things happen. Yes to make us more strong but I wish there was a point where we could be as strong as we ever could be. As a friend told me today you just want to shout to the heavens "please god just throw me a bone".

Its time to ramble...

So as i was crying in the car again tonight I wonder why I can not just let things go. Why do I feel like I need to take a stand when something is said that is wrong or hurtful. Why can I not let things go or pick and choose my battles? I am a fighter and some days it is not worth it. I am crying because I feel like i am a "b-word" or now I know why I don't have many friends. I wish some days I could careless, I wish I could just let them say what they want, but since I have come to this new life of mine I want it to be better so I can not sit there and let them keep saying these things. So instead of them crying, I cry because I am once again on a search for new friends. Maybe I will find some or maybe I wont. I just need a little bit of sunshine on my face today.

Really...

I really miss having a best friend.

To Write Love on Her Arms

Tomorrow November 13th is the official day to write love on your arms as a reminder that there is hope. This subject is dear to my heart as not so long ago I too wished and hoped for help. Now even though it is not all gone, my life is not perfect, I still cry myself to sleep from time to time, but I know that suicide is not an option.
My life has been a lot easier than most, but there are times when you hurt to the core and cry out to God that if he loved you that he would indeed take you home. That you would not wake up the next morning. That pain is real, my ability to restrain from self harm is miraculous because I know if I started there would be no stopping.
But I did self medicate with alcohol, sometimes I had to get away, pretty much every day and I would drink into a daze where I was not in control of my life. I am one year sober. One year and my pain seems so much less. My pain is deal able. As I write this I cry thinking of how much more pain I put myself through as I tried to forget the reality.
Sorry to be cheesy, but I honestly believe that people now talking about suicide and depression will make it happen less. The more people know there is hope and someone who cares the less they/we hide in a corner and cry.
I still cry and I still wish things were easier and less painful, but now I deal with it. I grow, I move on and never in a million years did I think that was possible. I am thankful for those that forced me to get help and those that continue to help me today. Truly a life was saved.....

who knew??

So today was a day full of fears as my parents and sister waited to hear from the bank if their home would be auctioned off. Then have to move in two weeks. Yes I understand that when someone does not pay their mortgage that means they have no where to live. Yes I understand that life is not fair, on that note, no matter how people sugar coat it my mom drew the short straw of life.
It seems that far the past 20 years she has been barely above water and that scares me. I don't want a life like that, that someone is constantly pulling you down. I want someone who keeps me grounded but not smothered by reality.
This is super random, but I need to get it out of my head.
My older sister and I were talking the other night and the Dad she remembered worked her whole life, mind you when he quit DWP she was in her late teens while I was about 14. She wants us to forgive him and love him, since no one else will. I did not have a strong father, I can not remember him being supportive out of love.
So no I can not forgive him, at least not for a while. I am scarred and no matter how much I deny it, the awful things he has said to me and my baby sister are imprinted on my brain.
All i ask for is time, time to have my wounds heal. Time to forget and move on. If it takes my whole life so be it. I am just tired of giving chances and having them thrown back into my face.