Really...

I really miss having a best friend.

To Write Love on Her Arms

Tomorrow November 13th is the official day to write love on your arms as a reminder that there is hope. This subject is dear to my heart as not so long ago I too wished and hoped for help. Now even though it is not all gone, my life is not perfect, I still cry myself to sleep from time to time, but I know that suicide is not an option.
My life has been a lot easier than most, but there are times when you hurt to the core and cry out to God that if he loved you that he would indeed take you home. That you would not wake up the next morning. That pain is real, my ability to restrain from self harm is miraculous because I know if I started there would be no stopping.
But I did self medicate with alcohol, sometimes I had to get away, pretty much every day and I would drink into a daze where I was not in control of my life. I am one year sober. One year and my pain seems so much less. My pain is deal able. As I write this I cry thinking of how much more pain I put myself through as I tried to forget the reality.
Sorry to be cheesy, but I honestly believe that people now talking about suicide and depression will make it happen less. The more people know there is hope and someone who cares the less they/we hide in a corner and cry.
I still cry and I still wish things were easier and less painful, but now I deal with it. I grow, I move on and never in a million years did I think that was possible. I am thankful for those that forced me to get help and those that continue to help me today. Truly a life was saved.....

who knew??

So today was a day full of fears as my parents and sister waited to hear from the bank if their home would be auctioned off. Then have to move in two weeks. Yes I understand that when someone does not pay their mortgage that means they have no where to live. Yes I understand that life is not fair, on that note, no matter how people sugar coat it my mom drew the short straw of life.
It seems that far the past 20 years she has been barely above water and that scares me. I don't want a life like that, that someone is constantly pulling you down. I want someone who keeps me grounded but not smothered by reality.
This is super random, but I need to get it out of my head.
My older sister and I were talking the other night and the Dad she remembered worked her whole life, mind you when he quit DWP she was in her late teens while I was about 14. She wants us to forgive him and love him, since no one else will. I did not have a strong father, I can not remember him being supportive out of love.
So no I can not forgive him, at least not for a while. I am scarred and no matter how much I deny it, the awful things he has said to me and my baby sister are imprinted on my brain.
All i ask for is time, time to have my wounds heal. Time to forget and move on. If it takes my whole life so be it. I am just tired of giving chances and having them thrown back into my face.

Things always sound better in my head.

So as I am going about this week I have decided to think positively and look for volunteer work.

A List of Positives
1.Live in Utah with people who love me.
2. Found surrogate dads, who care about my life.
3. I have a super talented baby sister who is a success.
4. I have a job, that I have been told by a few sources would never work out.
5. I am unique and comfortable with it.
6. I am honest and try to better the lives of the people around me.
7. I can be creative.
8. I can walk up stairs and fall down them ;)
9. I have best friends, who at a moments notice I know I can count on them.

So there is 9 of the millions of positives in my life.

Last week I was trying to convince myself to run away to a place where I could not be found. Or travel to my past where I slipped away from my problems for days. Now I have created this goal and am going to run with it. A life is much easier to live when I can stand tall.

A Fourteen Hour Day

So as I woke up this morning I thought today is going to be a great day. And it was, until 8 am to be presice, when something was said that went too far. Instead of fighting, I just turned inward and was quiet for the majority of my work day. The day went by slow since the work was not rolling in. I left work around 4:45pm to go buy make up because I wanted to try some of the stuff Kristie's mom did when we were in the MA. Around 5:30pm I get a call from my friend Carly and her car was broken down past Nephi. That is approximately 100 miles away. Work is closed and I have no tools. So i go buy a few essentials and the new part, then began the trek. I got there around 7:50, the belt had broken and wrapped itself around many pulleys and the fan. Not thinking I would need a cutting device and what kind of girl carries a knife? So all Carly has to cut is toe nail clippers. As I lay under her car on the side of the freeway and cut away the strands of belt with toe nail clippers. Next I try to put the new belt on, which the tensioner is ten times harder to loosen since my day at work had already happened. So as lucky as I am Carly is great with instructions, I pulled and she reinstalled the belt. Halleluijah!!!!!!!!! Started up the car and ran like a charm, was then able to make the 2 hour trek back to my house.

Charity, Hmmmmmmm

So today in Relief Society our lesson was on charity and made me think. I need to stop idling away on my worries. Yes I chose a harder path than I ever imagined possible, but the cool thing is I CHOSE IT. Why is one charitable, why do they serve? Is it the blessings or the feeling after that yes you did good. I honestly believe I serve others for peace of mind. When I forget to serve or forget that yes the world does NOT revolve around me, I loose it completely. Constantly crying and blaming others. I love that I realize this now and I hope this continues. I HATE NEGATIVE NANCY!

How brave you must be...

To tell a friend the truth knowingly that it could possibly crush them. They may cry until there no more tears to cry and all you did was tell the truth. Everyone just wants honesty in friends, family, strangers and everyone else. But tonight I wish they had just kept their lips sealed and just played my game. I don't know why it hurts so bad, but it does and I haven't stopped crying since then. Yes I know get over it, it is to save the friendship in the end, but today I feel betrayed. Soon I will feel better and I know its for the best but right now I feel like I was stabbed in the front.

Who to stand by....

I have always been a person to hold on to the illusion that everyone and I mean everyone has good intentions. With that I wonder who or what do I hold true to? I get a horrible feeling every time some one is put down and once again who do I stand by? I know that my family is one that I defend without batting an eye, but when it comes to friends when do I stand up or let things go? I live with wonderful people that I do not always see eye to eye, it is under our roof that I hear hurtfull words about people I care about. Is it consider betrayl to my roommates to not side with them? Yes I am entitled to my opinions, but to honestly say I disagree and don't ever bring it up again, is that an OK answer? Questions I try to answer daily and yet still have no clue to who I stand by?

Where to do we flock too????

Last night I was thinking about all of the people I know here in Utah, and I came to the conclusion that the majority of my friends are from all over the United States. All of us realized we had to come to a point in our lives that we could no longer live in a world without God. So we all FLOCKED to Utah. It makes us all have a tie in this strange place we call home. Some may say it was fate that we all met, but I think everything happens for a reason and someday we shall find out why.