Courage....

My friend wrote a blog post about How she lost her Testimony and then gave followers the opportunity to respond with their beliefs. Below is my reply:

Originally, I feared the day these posts would come. I respect you Collette and the choices you have made. As I read your blog I feel we have gone through a lot of similar things. Not all of course and none exactly, but I feel I can relate. So I was planning on not reading these posts just because I relate to you and I didn't need anything more to spark my emotions. But I read them, I am drawn to your blogs as it makes my reality seem a little less dark, just because I know I'm not alone in these battles. And even though I read them nothing drastic happened. I am still me. It has even helped me reflect on what I believe in. And this it, my strong and simple testimony:

That I am a daughter of God and I know he thinks about me everyday. I know that I go to church to learn because I forget a lot and my fiance knows very little. I know I go to church so I can sit by those that feel that God doesn't think about them often. I go to church to know that I am not the only one in this big crazy world that needs something or someone to lean on. I truly believe that most things should only be shared between myself and God. No middle man, because Heavenly Father knows me and can figure out what I'm trying to say. He knows that I'm good and trying my best. I don't have to explain myself he knows what my true intentions are. I believe that at the end of the day all of this will be sorted out in the here after. No matter what happens, God will make it right in the end. It may not be here on Earth, but it will be right. I know I have family and friends on the other side helping me and cheering me on or I would not be here today. All in all God just wants everyone to be happy (even those we wish would not be allowed the privilege to be happy). And my job is to help those I can be happy.

I have spent many years figuring this out and I am far from being done. I just feel like a lot of people just need to relax and not worry so much about who is right or wrong. We just need to learn to enjoy our neighbors company with the quirks and all.

PS Thank you Collette for this opportunity.

All about Perspective

Honestly how ironic is it that at church today we learned about kindness and just yesterday I wanted to seek revenge on a coworker. Below is a note I received from a friend at church and it means the world to me.

Hi, my name is Jessica and I am a sensitive person.....

Today I have been lost in thoughts. Thoughts of:

• Death
• Mourning
• Becoming a hermit
• Love
• Fear
• Making a countdown chain until the day I can retire (55 years or so)

This past week there has been two deaths that have effected me more than most think. I wonder why I mourn so much for those I barely know. I think I mourn for their family, the part that I do know. How hard it must be to take what happened so abruptly in stride and continue on. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so much. I thought to myself today, Wow I have not cried or felt too sad about those that have died, I am taking it in stride and just moving forward. But by the end of today I cried, I got sent over the edge by some insensitive person and I started to feel everything so strongly.

My heart aches so badly that I want to to go out and do things to get my mind off of it, but that is only short term. I don't want to let my insecurities or past coping mechanisms ruin things with a boy I like. I'm scared to invest so much into a person, but what I'm even more scared of is letting someone invest so much in me.

But I am grateful for family who remind me what is important and that death happens. It has to happen and even though I am sensitive it is OK. It is more than OK, even great at times. As I get to feel what a lot of people miss out on. And that insecurities are OK as long as they do not run your life.

What people complain about.........

So Im sick right now and I just want to get better. That is completely normal. But I'm tired of the sore throat, mucus, and lack of voice. Large amounts of tea I have consumed and cold meds. I don't want to cough or have a hard time breathing.

Today I was talking to a friend about having too many things, and getting too many gifts. Since I move so much it makes it hard, but really this is the dumbest thing I could complain about. I have people that love enough they want to spend time and money to find me a gift. A gift I love. Also I have enough money to buy extra items that I now complain take up too much space.

Wowie, this girl has some perspective that needs to be changing. Thanks to all the lovely blogs I get to read that remind me that my life is pretty darn good and all.

What a week.....

As I sit here trying to write a report I have been thinking about my week:

Bad Things:

• Told at work I'm too bossy (another thing to work on).
• Only exercised once.
• Rude people
• Discouragement

Good Things:

• Started a very fun bowling class
• Found out I got a 91.5% on a super hard midterm
• Went on a date with a kind man
• Spent time with my family
• Applied for graduation
• spoke with my bishop
• I have a good life.

************I remembered another one, I got a bonus check so I get to go shopping

So in my head it seems to be so much more, original bad list only had two items and my good list five items. But of course I focused on the two bad items.

During my one workout yesterday on the treadmill, I realized I am a good person, I have a good life and those who discourage me have pretty bad lives, are pretty bad people. So I need to remember where I am getting my data and that life is always better than you think. And that at the end of the day I have made the world a better place even if it was just that I kept breathing and my heart kept beating.

Sobs

I learned in a class last semester that for women crying releases a certain hormone that makes them feel better, but men do not have that luxury.

So I cry. A lot, expecially when I am mad or upset. I want to hurt something so I can feel better, but that is not an option so I resort to the sobs.

I usually feel better afterwards, or just need to sleep. I have limits and when I reach them I break and I break bad.

Times when I don't cry is sad events, funerals, farwells, or injuries. I just get stone cold and bottle it up. Then I may cry in bed alone out of anger of someone leaving or how dumb I was to get hurt.

Never the pain of loss, just loss of control.

I have been going to therapy to help myself feel and live in the moment. Manage my emotions to help me know that I am the captain of this ship. And as I cried tonight I lost control of my ship and it could have crashed, never to sail again, but I have understanding family and friends who know I am more than that out of control gal.

I am strong and today has made me stronger.

I have been reading through past blogs, from years ago and I realize this is me. As pictured above. My life has been a whirlwind of honesty and sincerity. I am a person people trust and find as a safe haven. Yes at times it is super funny what I say as it may sound ridiculous, but its the truth and I can not hide from it.

Next my niece was born on July 19th, 2012. Her name is Hazel and I lover her. Who knew that by having a new baby in the family it would make me want to be better? I want her to be proud, and enjoy that. I have no idea what my life will entail, but I do want to make her life the best. Right now all she does is wiggle, yawn, eat, and poop, but she means the world to me.