who knew??

So today was a day full of fears as my parents and sister waited to hear from the bank if their home would be auctioned off. Then have to move in two weeks. Yes I understand that when someone does not pay their mortgage that means they have no where to live. Yes I understand that life is not fair, on that note, no matter how people sugar coat it my mom drew the short straw of life.
It seems that far the past 20 years she has been barely above water and that scares me. I don't want a life like that, that someone is constantly pulling you down. I want someone who keeps me grounded but not smothered by reality.
This is super random, but I need to get it out of my head.
My older sister and I were talking the other night and the Dad she remembered worked her whole life, mind you when he quit DWP she was in her late teens while I was about 14. She wants us to forgive him and love him, since no one else will. I did not have a strong father, I can not remember him being supportive out of love.
So no I can not forgive him, at least not for a while. I am scarred and no matter how much I deny it, the awful things he has said to me and my baby sister are imprinted on my brain.
All i ask for is time, time to have my wounds heal. Time to forget and move on. If it takes my whole life so be it. I am just tired of giving chances and having them thrown back into my face.

Things always sound better in my head.

So as I am going about this week I have decided to think positively and look for volunteer work.

A List of Positives
1.Live in Utah with people who love me.
2. Found surrogate dads, who care about my life.
3. I have a super talented baby sister who is a success.
4. I have a job, that I have been told by a few sources would never work out.
5. I am unique and comfortable with it.
6. I am honest and try to better the lives of the people around me.
7. I can be creative.
8. I can walk up stairs and fall down them ;)
9. I have best friends, who at a moments notice I know I can count on them.

So there is 9 of the millions of positives in my life.

Last week I was trying to convince myself to run away to a place where I could not be found. Or travel to my past where I slipped away from my problems for days. Now I have created this goal and am going to run with it. A life is much easier to live when I can stand tall.